Week 4 – Word of the Week: Surrender
April 17, 2019 by Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen
Filed under Coaching, Personal Development
Life Happens
The best laid plans are always getting interrupted by this thing called life. This week (as with every week), life happened. When life happens, well, you just gotta deal with it cause you know, life is going to happen as long as you’re alive.
So for the past 3 weeks, I’ve been pretty good with my eating less, moving more plan. Then life happened and I pushed things a bit too hard, so I started moving less. I was still eating less until of course this life thing happened again. This time, it was my son’s spring break.
And guess what we did?
Yeah, we went out of town to visit family.
And guess what happens when you go out of town?
Yeah, you eat differently.
So we went out a few times and my mom – who is a great cook – made some home cooked meals which I don’t get to eat very often and so yeah, I ate a little more than usual.
And you know what, that’s o.k. cause you know, life happens.
I was still moving more than I was a month ago and I was still eating less than I was a month ago, just not as little as I was the prior 3 weeks.
So what were my results in the weight loss category this week?
Wouldn’t you like to know? Well keep reading and I’ll tell you at the end like usual (or you can jump to the end and find out only you’ll miss all this great content I’m going to share with you ;o)
SO think about the last time you planned something out. Did it ever go exactly as planned?
Remember that rocket ship I talked about in Week 2 when the word was adjust? Remember how often it was on track on its path to the moon? Yeah, about 1% of the time. The rest of the time, nature and science happened and well, that’s life right?
Ya Feel Me?
Now when plans go awry, SOME people get all upset and angry and rightly so, that’s emotions. As human beings, we feel things – emotionally, not just physically. So when things don’t go as we plan, we may get upset.
As a coach, I know this happens to people ALL THE TIME!
I’ll meet with a client and we’ll discuss action and to-do items that they will need to get done before the next meeting. Next meeting rolls around and low and behold, guess what happened?
Yeah.. Life.
I know, some of you might have been thinking… nothing.
And “nothing” usually happens because life happened.
Surrender
So let’s continue this week’s journey with the concept of Surrender.
Surrender though is such a POWERFUL word that most people misunderstand.
Most people think that when you surrender that you’re weak.
That you gave up;
you gave in;
you quit.
And that’s really not quite right.
In fact, Surrender can be one of the most POWERFUL things you can ever do.
Surrendering can make you STRONG and allow you to GROW and PROGRESS.
Surrendering frees up pent up energy and opens up your mind to find solutions.
Author, Speaker Sonia Ricotti says, “Surrender to what is. let go of what was. have faith in what will be.”
Known author and spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle says, “Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life. The only place where you can experience the flow of life is in the NOW, so to surrender is to accept the present moment unconditionally and without reservation. It is to relinquish inner resistance to what is.”
Sometimes when you don’t surrender, you end up resisting, fighting, and eventually losing.
Did that clear everything up?
Clear as mud right?
So let’s start from the beginning.
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the word surrender has two potential definitions. First, “To yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand surrendered the fort or to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another.” And second, “To give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner or to give (oneself) over to something (such as an influence).”
No wonder you’re confused!!! Look at all that mumbo jumbo!
Reading this definition does make you sound weak, like you’re “giving up” or “to give up”, “yield to the power!”
Side note: What a tag line huh? YIELD TO THE POWER! Bam!
Seriously though, when it comes to life, there are times that you actually do have to surrender… in order to move on and grow stronger.
Let me give you an example.
Say you’ve lived on one of those coastal cities for several years – like Atlantic City, New Jersey.
You’re living your life and doing your thing and then one evening, you flip on the evening news and it seems like a hurricane is heading your way. Now, you’ve been living there for 10 years an ain’t no major hurricane ever hit you and caused any damage, so you think nothing of it. As the days pass, the hurricane is getting closer and closer and the news now says it’s going to hit. Well you want nothing of it!
So let me ask you a question… Can you stop the hurricane?
If you could, you’d be an instant billionaire cause lots of people would pay lots of money for that power. And if you’re like most humans, you don’t have the power to stop a hurricane.
Maybe Thanos can though.
What about you?!?!? So should you fight it?
Stand on the beach and raise your fist and say, “Hurricane, you can’t beat me! Send me your category 5 winds and I’ll stand here and take it like a man!!”
I don’t think you’d last very long.
So you should surrender right?
Just give up and say, “the hurricane is going to hit me, so I’m just going to let it come and take the beating I deserve.”
NO!! Absolutely no!
Well, at least not the giving up part.
You see, that’s what MOST people THINK that surrender means.
They think it means that they’ve lost, given up, given in, quit.
And The Truth Shall Set You Free
In reality (at least my reality), surrender REALLY means acceptance.
Acceptance that there is a hurricane coming.
Acceptance that you do not have the power to STOP it.
Acceptance that it is coming regardless of what you do.
It is a FORCE of nature, which is greater than you are as you are now.
And now that you’ve accepted that, it frees up your mind, energy, and spirit to focus on the things that are within your control.
It allows you to start focusing on what you CAN do instead of what you cannot do.
Fighting a hurricane is crazy. Period. Or exclamation mark!
Preparing for one is a completely different story.
Getting ready for it to make landfall is something you CAN control.
It is something that you CAN do.
How do you do this?
Well, you can go out and reinforce your property with plywood or boarding or you can look for a safe place to ride out the hurricane (like maybe a different state)? If you intend to stay, you can purchase extra supplies for a prolonged wait. And a whole lot more!
Now while that was a simple example, think of the things in your life that may have happened that were/are greater than you in your current physical, emotional, and/or mental state of being. How does it make you feel?
Do you feel worried?
Scared?
Helpless?
Weak?
Lonely?
Afraid?
Useless?
Unworthy?
If any of those emotions come into mind, then ask yourself, are you fighting the wrong thing?
Are you resisting the things which you have no control over at this time?
Or are you just doing nothing due to the overwhelming fear and helplessness?
Now, if you surrender to the things that you cannot control and ACCEPT your situation, can you now stabilize yourself and start to focus on the things that you CAN control instead?
Can you start to think about what options might be open or available to you?
Can you start doing things that are productive and help you move towards a solution or a possible solution to your situation?
Hurricane Sandy
In 2012, a hurricane did in fact hit Atlantic City, New Jersey and destroyed many people’s lives. Hurricane Sandy became the worst hurricane on state record killing 37 people and causing over $30 billion in damages. Fighting it was futile. Preparing for it was also futile for many. Accepting it and getting out of the way was more appropriate for many.
In the aftermath, many people had everything they owned destroyed. And again, they were faced with a decision… operate in disbelief, cry, grieve, struggle, give up, quit… or surrender to the fact that it happened and then start rebuilding, refocusing, and growing back stronger than ever.
In life, things happen. They could be good things or they could be bad things.
In reality, they are just things…
Things that happen and we define for ourselves if they are good or bad. The truth though is that there is a result to that thing happening.
You can fight that result; deny it; allow it to control you; or you can accept that result and control your reaction to that result. You can maintain control of your life, your actions, your thoughts, and eventually, your future.
What About Everything Else?
So O.K. You’re not going to fight the hurricane. It’s coming and you’ve surrendered to the fact that there are things that you have to do in order to prepare for it. Well, what about everything else you have to do?
What about work? You know, you’ve got 10 projects you have to do by next week.
What about family? You know, you’re kids have soccer practice, birthday parties, band concerts and well, everything!
What about church? Filing taxes? Paying bills? The Honey-Do list? The leaky faucets, the peeling pain, the loose screw – especially the one in your head?
What about… AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! TOO MUCH!!!! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!! OVERLOAD!!!!! System Shut-down imminent!!!
Remember this… Life Happens!
FOCUS on what you can control and allow life to happen.
STRESSING over things doesn’t help.
Worrying about things doesn’t help.
Freaking out about things doesn’t help.
Doing NOTHING doesn’t help.
What helps is staying calm, thinking things through, and then taking action on the things you CAN control.
Deal with the coming hurricane and then when that is taken care of, deal with everything else according to what’s important and necessary – i.e. what’s the highest priority?
One thing at a time.
One step at a time.
Focus on what you can control.
Surrender to the things you cannot.
Twin Towers
On September 11, 2001, two airplanes purposefully crashed into the New York Twin Towers of the World Trade Center in a violent and inexcusable act of terrorism.
I don’t know where you were at and I remember vividly going into work that day and anyone who had a radio had the news blaring as if it were a concert hall. It was as if everything was in stereo. You couldn’t get away from it if you stayed in the office.
I remember a range of emotions from disbelief, anger, sadness, more and really just thinking that this really sucks… really, really sucks (to put it mildly).
I also remember thinking that it was in New York and I was in Chicago and there wasn’t much I could do at that point in time except listen, pay attention and see what happens. Other than that, I was at work, I had things to do, projects to work on, deadlines to meet. And then a co-worker came into my cubicle.
She was in complete disbelief. She couldn’t put her head around it. She couldn’t understand why someone would do what they did. She basically shut down. In fact, she ended up leaving work saying, “I gotta get out of here. I don’t know what’s going on only I gotta get out of here.” And she left. She needed time to process. Time to absorb all that was happening and what was going on.
My thinker brain told me to go back to work and don’t think about it – unfortunately, with all the radios blaring, it was quite difficult to do.
Fast forward a bit and I did end up staying at work that day and got some things done. Several people actually left for home that day though. And I don’t blame them. I wasn’t angry at them or upset or anything. I just accepted it because life was happening and they had to deal with it in their own way.
Everyone is going to deal with things in their own way.
Here’s the thing though. You have to deal with it.
Avoidance, denial, worry and stress… none of that helps unless it’s just something you have to go through because you don’t know any other way and it allows you to move forward. Prolonging those emotions and feelings though only end up hurting you and those around you even more.
In the days following 9/11, the American people came together in a way that we haven’t done in a long time. People helping people. I remember food drives in Chicago as volunteers gathered up water and supplies and drove them to New York. I remember the news was filled with stories of people coming to the aid of strangers. This is the American way. This is the human way. These are things people could do and control.
There was only a few people who could control what happened to the planes that day – some of them did on United Airlines flight 93 as some of the passengers thwarted the hijackers. The rest of us could only watch in disbelief as the planes flew into the towers.
Could I or anyone in Chicago do anything at that moment?
No.
Could we have sat around for days mulling in disbelief, angry, upset, stressing and freaking out?
Yes.
Would doing that have helped anyone in New York?
No.
Would doing that have helped us?
Not really.
What could we have done instead?
Again, life happened. Focus on what we could control.
Maybe you helped the volunteers gather supplies and drove them to New York. Maybe you helped the Red Cross do blood drives for the injured. Maybe you actually went to New York yourself to help out as many people across the country did.
Those are the things you could control and many people did while others needed more time.
There are no right or wrong answers here.
There is only life… and of course death. And as long as you’re not dead, you’re alive and you can do things. You get to decide what those things are. You get to decide how you react to them. You get to decide how you cope with everything.
Focus on the things you can control.
Surrender to the things you cannot.
It’s Up To You.
Let’s bring this back to me – because it’s all about me isn’t it? Well, maybe on this site it is.
Anywho, this week, my son had Spring Break. And yes, yes, yes. I understand, Spring Break is nothing compared to a hurricane or 9/11 and I don’t mean to make light of any of those tragic situations. I used those as large scale examples though to prove a point.
And if you missed the point here it is again: life happens. Allow it to happen. Surrender to the things you cannot control and focus on the things you can control. This allows you to cope and move forward at the same time.
On a last minute decision, my wife and I decided to go out of town and visit out-of-state family so the kids can see their cousins and grandparents. This unplanned activity disrupted the daily flow of operations around my house and my family for several days.
Now I can fight that and say no – because in this instance, I had the power to do so – and in doing so, deprive my sons from seeing their grandparents and cousins.
I could have fought it and said, “we’re staying home so I can focus on eating less and moving more.” My son would have been upset as would have my family out of town and hey, I would have been o.k. Again, action and consequences (or results). For me, maybe it was good. For my son, it was bad. For my parents who wanted to see their grandkids, it would have been bad.
Instead, I accepted it.
I surrendered to the fact that we were going out of town. Along with that comes again, consequences or results. Different eating patterns, different movement patterns, etc.
I choose to accept my fate and as a result, I ate more than I have in the past few weeks.
The result, I didn’t lose as much weight.
Am I losing sleep over it?
Well, if I didn’t surrender to my decisions and accepted the results, I would be upset, angry, and feel bad. Since I knew what the results would be and accepted it, I made alternate arrangements and modified my mini-workouts. I enjoyed my time out of town with family instead of agonizing that I was eating too much and not losing enough weight.
Whether I surrendered and accepted the results or continued to stress, fight, and mentally bicker in my head, beating myself up through the trip, the results (physically) would have been the same. The difference though is that by surrendering, I enjoyed the trip and had a good time and didn’t worry about losing weight or eating too much. I just followed my plan of eating less (slightly for the week) and moving more (while nursing my aching muscles and sore knee).
Doing so resulted in me actually continuing to lose weight – another pound for a total of 9 pounds in 3 weeks. 4 pounds in weeks 1 and 2 and 1 additional pound in week 3. All the while enduring the pain, making adjustments, and living life!
The Bottom Line
Here’s the bottom line about surrendering…
Focus the things that you can control. Surrender to the things you cannot.
Life is going to happen.
Allow it to happen.
Focus on what you can do to get the results you want and let life happen.
You can appreciate everything life has to offer and accept that things will happen that are out of your control or you can stress, worry, cry, be upset, angry, or disappointed about things that are absolutely outside of your control and therefore prevent yourself from enjoying things and moving forward. It is really that simple.
Let me say it again.
Life is going to happen. Allow it to happen.
Focus on the things you can control and surrender to the things you cannot.
I can never STOP a hurricane. Although, if I was determined enough and was willing to dedicate enough time, energy, and money towards it, I can come up with solutions to mitigate damages from a hurricane, even predicting it, and harnessing it’s powers to some extent. Since I’m not that interested in nor focused on hurricanes, I’ll let the meteorologists and climatologists focus on those things instead. I’m just going to avoid them if at all possible and do my own thing.
Do your own thing.
And just to review, I hope you understand how you can use the power of surrender in your life and in the things you can do and secondly, focus on controlling the things you
Not everything in life has to be a hurricane.
Remember, LIFE happens.
What are you going to do about it?
Celebrate Life!
Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen